Like Pendulums

Stuck in my head...

2007-04-05T12:40:00.000-03:00

"Do you ever wonder what happens to the words that we send
Do they bend, do they break from the flight that they take
And come back together again with a whole new meaning
In a brand new sense, completely unrelated to the one I sent"

(Jason Mraz - Did You Get My Message?)

Thank you, dear friend...

2007-04-03T21:37:00.000-03:00

Okay, it's funny how other people can see you in a completely different way than how you can see yourself. Floating out here in the land of confusion, I tend to see my faults more prominently, and any positive traits that I may have seem to disappear from my vision.

Luckily, I have great friends to pull me out of that funk, and enlarge my ego a bit. Hehe.

Thank you, dear friend, for this list. (You know who you are!)

Feel free to skip past this part, as it is mostly posted here for my own personal filing.

1. You've one of the kindest people I know
2. You are a wonderful musician
3. You are very creative
4. You're a teacher
5. You're a good listener
6. In a world that teachest to trust nobody, you trust
7. In a world that says keep to yourself you invite people in
8. You're funny (and yes slightly melodramatic..)
9. You sure know how to sell luggage...just ask my mom
10. You've been a good friend (ie blog buddy) to me when I really needed the encouragment
And that's off the top of my head...You have so much going for you Kristen....Please don't sell your self short
11. You're beautiful inside and out

(I like how you added melodramatic there to keep my head from floating away. I am SO not melodramatic. I could just die from you saying that! Hehehehe.)

Anyway, point being - This gave me new perspective, and put a smile on my face. I'm going to pass it on by writing a list for one of my friends. If you have a friend that you feel deserves a 'list', do it!

Some day...

2007-04-02T21:23:00.000-03:00

I promise I will stop procrastinating. Soon. Really, I will. I mean, I do want to get this work done so I can go to bed. Really.

...................

Any day now, I will stop. I'm not addicted to procrastinating, really. I could stop anytime I want to.

"You can dance if you want to / you can leave your friends behind..."

Hahaha. Safety Dance. It's been stuck in my head lately for some reason.

Oh, hey, Rielle, remember "Where's your helmet?" Good times.

I'm Okay.

2007-04-02T01:28:00.000-03:00

Apparently, the crypticness of my posts as of late has led to my mother thinking that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

This simply isn't so.

I just have a lot of things going on in my life, and in my mind right now. And it's hard to write in great detail about these things, and about how I feel about these things, since I am not always entirely sure myself how I am feeling.

So, anyone out there who is worried about my well-being...I am doing fine. I am dealing. I am okay. I will make it. I am actually in a pretty positive place at the moment. Go figure!

Bottom line: I'm okay.

I just...don't know.

2007-04-01T17:43:00.000-03:00

Cryptic is a fun word...

Wow, I am such a dork.

Accepting it is the first step, I guess.

Sloof Lirpa Yppah!

Fill in the blanks...

2007-03-30T17:25:00.000-03:00

Dear Kristen,

I ____ you.
You have a nice ______.
You make me _______.
You should _______.
Someday I will ______.
You + me = ________.
If I saw you now I'd __________.
I want to ________ you.
I would build a _______ just for you.
If I could sing you any song it would be _________.
We could __________ under the stars.
Sincerely,_______________

(P.S. ______________.)

Making less and less sense...

2007-03-29T23:16:00.000-03:00

...and yet oddly insightful (as most anything can be if you read enough into it).

I am.

The end.

*Make it your own*

I'm not a poet...

2007-03-27T22:52:00.000-03:00

I'm ripping up the daisies trying to figure you out
a silly childhood superstition, if that's the right word.
Destiny is misused and abused as an excuse for your indecisions.
We'll see...we'll see.
Do I really have the strength, is it a decision not to walk -
or am I paralyzed, fearful of looking back from the future
and blaming my own actions.

Like sands through the hourglass...

2007-03-26T19:12:00.000-03:00

...these are the swings of my moods.

One minute, I want to let it go.

The next minute, I'm grasping.

One minute I'm at peace.

The next minute, I'm shattered.

One minute I'm ready to move along.

This very minute...

It's on!

Oh, boy!

2007-03-25T09:09:00.000-03:00

Well, I find myself in a familiar position at the moment: worried about $! I assured my mother when she co-signed a loan for me that there is no way I would use the full amount. Well...it's getting closer and closer to that, and I still have 5 months left here. Unexpected medical bills, the need to start eating healthier (and thus more expensive) groceries, gas money, car insurance, rent, and utilities, have all added up - A LOT!

I do not know how I will survive the summer. I am very, very stressed about this.

Gaaah!

Yes, another one...

2007-03-24T01:40:00.000-03:00

1. Height?5 "11
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? What an odd question. And no.
3. Do you own a gun? Um, no.
4. Have you ever been in jail? Not to my recollection
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Nope. Thank goodness, because I forsee a lot of them in my future.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Sometimes I get random cravings for them. The rest of the time I'm quite indifferent. I do NOT like them boiled.
7. What's your favorite Christmas song? O Come, O Come, Emmanuel or It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas (because it's super fun to sing)
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Water?
9. Can you do push ups? HA!
10. Is your bathroom clean? Usually
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? The cross Daniel gave me during our first Christmas together.
12. Do you like painkillers? Midol, anyone?
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? If I have one, I sure as heck don't know what it is or how to use it!
14. Do you have A.D.D.? I cannot rule it out.
16. Middle Name? Anne
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: I'm tired, I'm tired, Why don't I just go to bed?
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought? The new Finger Eleven CD, a movie ticket to see "Premonition", and a piece of Carrot cake at the Irving Big Stop.
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink: Water, water, water.
20. Current mood? Tired. Is that a mood?
21. Current food? Um, salad? I don't have a whole lot to choose from these days.
22. Current worry? Don't get me started…..
23. Current hate? Hate is a strong word...I'm fairly content at the moment.
24. Favorite place to be? In the arms of a loved one. I know, I'm cheezy.
25. What states/countries have you been in? Austria, Switzerland, France, England, Belgium, Germany.
26. Where would you like to go? Australia.
27. Do you own slippers? Yes. But I don't wear them unless my feet are really, really cold. I prefer to go barefoot.
28. What shirt are you wearing? I'm in my PJs. Very comfy.
29. Do you burn or tan? Usually burn first, and then tan.
30. Favorite color(s)? It changes from day to day depending on my mood. Right now I'd say white (I know, it's not really a color)
31. Would you be a pirate? No. Rape, pillage and plunder isn't really my thing.
32. Or would you want to be a ninja? Which one is more likely to lead to me getting a date?
33. What songs do you sing in the shower? I would if I lived by myself, but I don't think it's the greatest idea to wake up my roommate at 6:30 in the morning by singing in the shower...
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? At one point, I was convinced that the big, bad wolf lived under my bed. And I had really weird nightmares after watching Gremlins as a child...
35. What's in your pockets right now? I don't think I have pockets...nope, I don't.
36. Last thing that made you laugh? My roommate's crazy video of her and her sister dancing around in all their old dance costumes. Hehe. She really has to put that on YouTube!
37. Best bed sheets as a child? I remember sheets with bears on them. I think I still have them, actually.
38. Worst injury you've ever had? A broken heart?
39. Best injury you've ever had? Well, the injury wasn't good, but the story is fun to tell sometimes: I ran into a fridge at the age of 4. Still have a scar on my forehead.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house?3
41. Who is your loudest friend? Hmmm...I really don't know!
42. Who is your most silent friend? Melissa?
43. Does someone have a crush on you? Doubtful.
44. Do you wish on shooting stars? Yes.
45. What is your favorite book?Too many to choose from
46. What is your favorite candy? Mmmmm...chocolate.
47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding? Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan? I don't know...maybe it hasn't been written yet!
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Don't Worry, Be Happy! Hehe.
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Finishing up my lesson plans and getting ready for bed.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Noooooooo....I don't want to get up! Why does my life suck?

Hmmm....

2007-03-23T17:49:00.000-03:00

All I have to say is, boy, am I ever a forgiving person! Whew, when did that develop?

The Uncomfortable Survey

2007-03-22T21:36:00.000-03:00

From Brandi's facebook...

THE UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY(lets see if you can get through it.if not, you're too scared about your past)
Longest relationship:3 and a half years
Shortest relationship:3 months, I guess
How many boyfriends/girlfriends have said 'i love you' to you?2
Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person?Yes. Unfortunately, he had different opinions.
Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?God, yes.
Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?Yes
Are you happier single or in a relationship? I miss a lot of things about being in a relationship, but it's good right now to have some time to myself to figure out who I am and what I want.
Have you ever been cheated on?I wonder...
What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex? Strong arms for hugging:D
Have you ever had your heart broken?Repeatedly, by the same guy.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?:Yes
Talk to any of your exes?Yes
Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?I'm tempted to say that I guess I wasn't good enough, but I am realizing more and more than the problem wasn't me, it was him. hehe. So yes, I think that I was a good girlfriend in a sense that I loved with all my heart. I know I wasn't perfect, and that there is a lot I could work on too, though.
Have you dated people who were not good to you?:I think he was good for me the first time around, but the second time only led to more heartbreak
Have you been in an abusive relationship?No
Have you ever dated someone older than you?:Yes
Younger than you? Almost
Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?No. I try not to regret things. Regret cannot change the past.
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?:yes-
Believe in love at first sight?no
Ever dated two people at once?no
Ever been given an Engagement ring?:no
Do you want to get married?Yes, but not just for the desire to get married - for the desire to be loved and to love. To have someone in my life who I know I can count on and who will love me unconditionally.
Do you have something to say to any of your exes?:Yes...but I'm not really sure what it is yet.
Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?:Yes, but in my defense, I did not know that he had a girlfriend, and I got over that real quick.
Do you still have feelings for any of your exes?I will always love Daniel in some form and measure.
Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?Yes.

Mourning...

2007-03-21T18:10:00.000-03:00

Okay, so it is really difficult, when someone has been such a huge part of your life for four and a half years (three and a half of them as a couple), to just completely write them off. You would think that it would be easier if they have hurt you in some unimaginable way, but in a way, I think that makes it even more confusing. I mean, you think that you know them so well. You've seen the humanity in them. You've seen their strengths and weaknesses. You've connected with them in a way that you never have with anyone else. It makes it harder not to make excuses for them, harder not to forgive under the understanding that noone is perfect. It makes it more difficult to understand how they, the person you have loved for such a long time with all of your heart, could possibly be so heartless and uncaring in return.

I walked away from our relationship as a couple with a sad heart, but also a heart that knew it was for the best - despite how much I loved him. I had peace with it, because I walked away with the understanding that we had something during a moment in time that was special and that could never be taken away from. All of a sudden, it has been cheapened. We hadn't been broken up for even a week when he found someone else. How could he possibly have cared about me that much? How could he just forget about what we had so quickly?

Not even the sham of a friendship we were trying to salvage can be preserved anymore.

I was mad, and I think I still kind of am.

But most of all, I am really saddened. I am losing someone from my life that I have loved in a way that I have never loved anyone else. I feel like I'm grieving his death, in a way, because this situation that I have found myself in gives way to an understanding that I never, in fact, knew him quite as well as I thought I did. He's not the person I fell in love with now, and I'm not sure if he ever was.

How do we ever really know someone? As open and honest as you are, we all have our little secrets - our own thoughts that would make us cower in shame if others could only read them. Thoughts that many of us probably don't even realize, or admit to ourselves, that we have.

We are all capable.

I defended the ability to be friends with an ex. I really thought it could work. The truth is, it only would have worked if he became a monk and hence would never date again. Because as much as I am okay with us not being together, I cannot bear the thought that someone else is going to shove me out of that place in his heart that I once thought I lived in. Especially not so soon. And especially not someone who didn't have the decency to wait until he was single to begin digging in.

Let him go, and the bitterness will follow, right?

The last to know...

2007-03-19T20:36:00.000-03:00

Disclaimer: This is a rant. I do not need mental help.

Well, there isn't much that I can say right now that will come out as nice...

I don't want to lose you, he says. You're still my best friend, he says. I love you, he says.

(His) unsaid truth:
I couldn't make time for you when we were trying to work things out. I can't make time for you now. I am too much of a coward to tell you that I am seeing someone already, but I will tell some of our other mutual friends, and then post it on Facebook, so that's how you can find out. And P.S., I can make time for her.

Another nail in the coffin of a broken relationship. A deceased friendship.

I mattered to you that much, eh? Were we even broken up when this all started?

I honestly believed that when you asked for my forgiveness and friendship, you were genuine.

It just happened, he says.

Well, if I see you on the street and turn the other way, sorry, it just happened.

What I need...according to Google!

2007-03-17T12:01:00.000-03:00

Found this one on Bridget's facebook page:

Open google and type your name + "needs" and then post the first 10 responses here...
1. Kristen needs to wash her socks because she will need them on Sunday morning.
2. Kristen needs to settle down.
3. Kristen needs a new connection petition.
4. Kristen needs someone with her at all times to make sure she keeps breathing.
5. Kristen needs to notify the billing companies in writing that she wants the service/billing to be stopped.
6. Kristen needs our vote!
7. Kristen needs dust.
8. Kristen needs more bastardly love!
9. Kristen needs to get over her 15 minutes.
10. Kristen needs to learn to pay more attention in class.

And what do you need? "Everyone needs a little Kristen!"

So tired...

2007-03-16T00:38:00.000-03:00

By all means, I should be in bed right now. It is 12:43 am, and I have to get up at 6:30 to get ready for school tomorrow. Problem is, I seem to have a sudden burst of ambition in relation to planning for the next two weeks of school. Next week begins the two weeks of my practicum in which I am entirely on my own. Scary, but kind of exciting. This month is nutrition month, so next week, I will be doing nutrition week, and the following week we will begin with the Easter theme.

I would have worked on this directly after getting home today, but Melissa is in Fredericton visiting, so we (along with Amanda) went out for supper at Dimitri's, where we quite likely overstayed our welcome talking about this, that, and the other thing. Then we browsed around the mall for a while before checking out Music and Lyrics (the new Drew Barrymore / Hugh Grant movie - which is a great chick flick, by the way). It was tons of fun, but I didn't get home until, well, I'm not sure exactly what time. Let's just say sometime around 11:45? Then I felt the need to get some of this planning done so that I can show my cooperating teacher that I have at least been thinking about next week!

So, why am I writing on here then, when I should either be in bed or planning my lessons? Um...I'm not sure. I think maybe I've done enough planning for tonight, and that it might be time to get to bed. So with that, allow me to finish with my kid quote(s) of the day:

Mrs. B: Does anyone know what a judge is?
K: It's the people who clean the instruments!

Me: Behave, or you won't be allowed to go outside for recess...
J: But we're not going outside!
Me: Well, it's not raining, so we probably will be.
J: (In a whiny voice) But it's all foggy and I won't be able to see where I'm going! I'll run into stuff!!

K, during writing time, ever 2 minutes: I have to poo!....I have to poo!...I have to poo!
(We had just taken the whole class down to the bathroom right before writing.)

Merde, J'ai Perdu!

2007-03-12T20:17:00.000-03:00

Well, I'm not sure what brought this on, but I seem to be hyper, and quite upbeat mood at the moment. Maybe it's being back at school (kids make me happy), or maybe it's something I ate, although I doubt that salad had this sort of power!

So, today was the first day back after March Break. I don't know if I expected some miracle to occur and change the dispositions of the 75% of the class who misbehave constantly, but that certainly didn't happen. They were nuts today as usual. But again, I still luv 'em. :D

Kid quote of the day:
"Ms. Seeley? I don't feel good - but I still want to stay at school"

You'd never hear those words coming out of my mouth. I think I stopped liking school about half way through grade primary! Hehe.

Let me just admit (because it's the first step) that I am addicted to Facebook. Anyone who is reading this straight from my blogspot blog, if you're not on Facebook, SHAME ON YOU!

Oh, and for all of you out there who have a clue about what I am about to say...

I LOSE!

About Me, again....

2007-03-10T22:11:00.000-04:00

Keshia wasted time on this survey, and now it's my turn... And just let me say; longest freakin' survey ever! Especially a waste of time because noone will take the time to read it all...

Single or Taken:Newly Single

Happy about that?It's growing on me... but it's always nice to have someone to love and be loved by.

Siblings:Step-brother and step-sister

Eye color?: Hazel

Shoe size: 9 1/2 or 10

Height:5"11

What are you wearing right now? Jeans and an Orange hoodie.

Righty or lefty:

you make a dollar in change right now: yes, for a change (no pun intended)

FAVORITES:
Kind of pants: Jeans (low-rise flares)

Drink (non alcoholic): chocolate milk

Month: December or July

Juice: Orange Tropicana

Favorite cartoon character?: Jimney Cricket or Kronk

Have You Ever...
Given anyone a bath? Just myself

Bungee Jumped? No, thank you. I'd like for my heart to remain firmly planted in my chest.

skinny dipping? Nope

Eaten a dog? Not to my knowledge, but some of that cafeteria food at STU....ya never know!

loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes.

Played truth or dare? Of course! I think I always picked truth. What a wuss

Been on a plane? Several times. Can't say I like it took much. By the 5th or 6th hour, I become somewhat antsy and claustrophobic

Came close to dying? You mean besides two weeks ago when I was hooked up to an IV? Probably not.

Been in a sauna? Not to my recollection

Been in a hotub? Yep.

Swam in the ocean? I'm a Yarmouth girl! Of course:D Port Maitland Beach, anyone?

Fallen asleep in school? Not until this past year at University, and I could not understand why. I kept catching myself nod off, and I thought it was because of the subject matter *School Law*. But then last semester, I also started to nod off in classes I enjoyed. It's not that I wasn't getting enough sleep or anything. Looking back now, I can blame the diabetes - fatigue was one of my symptoms.

Ran away? From what?

Broken someone's heart? Maybe. I hope not. Sorry!

Cried when someone died? I cry watching commercials sometimes. Does that answer the question?

Cried in school? Probably, but not in that over-dramatic drama queen way. It took much more to make me cry back then. You'd think I would be stronger with age...

Fell of your chair? I can't imagine having escaped that in my 25 years, though I may have blocked it out of my memory. Hehe. Melissa has a good falling off a chair story...

Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call? I'm sad to say, yes.

Saved AIM conversations? Nope

Saved e-mails? Yes.

Been cheated on? Not that I am aware of.

What is...…your good luck charm? I dont have one...I don't figure it would do much to change MY luck...

Your new favorite song? Paralyzed by Finger Eleven

last thing you ate? Half an apple

What kind of shampoo/conditioner do you use? Right now it's Life brand honey nut shampoo.

Ever Had……
Chicken pox: No

Sore Throat: unfortuantely yes

Stitches?Nope

Broken a bone:Nope..just a sprain

Do You...Believe in love at first sight! I believe that you can connect with someone when you first meet them, but I think that love is something that develops over time.

in Long distance relationships? Depends on the circumstances.

Like school? Most of the time.

Who was the last person that called you? My mama

Who was the last person you slow danced with? Daniel, at Will and Amanda's wedding.

Who makes you laugh the most? Daniel, Lauren, my Bentley girls

Who knows you the best? Daniel

Do you like filling these out: It kills some time...

Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?: Glasses, but not often.

Do you like yourself: Not as much as I probably should.

Do you get along with your family? Usually

Are You...Obsessive Compulsive? I think maybe yes...yes...yes...

Suicidal? Nope, not lately.

What did you do yesterday: Went shopping and out for supper with my mom.

Hated someone in your family? Hate is a very strong word. Dislike, yes.

Gotten any awards? Yes, thought I can't recall what for...

What car/truck do you wish to have? I'm just going to be happy that I have one right now that works *Black 1999 Pontiac Grand Am*

Where do you want to get married? Let's not put the cart before the horse. I have to find the man first, remember?

Good driver? Average

Good Singer? I've been told that I am, but then again, people have also told that to many of the American Idol auditioners that are awful.

Own a lava lamp? I used to...

How many remote controls are in your house? 5 or 6 maybe.

Scary or Funny Movies? Funny. I'm not big on scary.

Chocolate or Vanilla? I'm a chocoholic. That's the first step.

Root beer or Dr.Pepper? Root Beer.

Skiing or Boarding? Neither.

Summer or Winter? Summer. I'm sick of the cold and the snow!

Silver or gold? Silver or white gold

Diamond or Pearl? Diamond

Sprite or 7up? Sprite. 7up tastes too much like carbonated water.

Coffee or Tea? Coffee

Are you oldest, middle or youngest? Middle

Today did you...
1. Talk to someone you liked: Nope

2. Buy something: Does filling up my gas tank count?

3. Get sick?no

Hey, where are 4-7?

8. Talk to an ex? No

9. Miss someone? Always

Last person who....
10. Slept in your bed? Me

11. Saw/heard you cry? I almost cried in front of Emily yesterday about my medical bills...

12. Made you cry? Probably Daniel

13. Went to the movies with: Lauren

15. Said "I Love You"? My mom

16. Ever been in a fight with your pet? Kitty used to tick me off all the time.

18. Been to Mexico? Nope

19. Been to Canada? Um, yes. ;)

20. Been to Florida? Yes

Random.....
22. What book are you reading now? Shopaholic and Baby

23. Best feeling in the world? Knowing you are loved

24. Future KIDS names? Lorelai, Emma, Amelia, Luke... I could go on, but I won't. I only want 2 or 3, though.

25. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Not for quite a while.

26. What's under your bed? Clothes, journals, Monopoly, CD cases, Yoga mat, old DVD player, art supplies, etc.

27. Favorite sports to watch? Hockey - but only live. TV Hockey bores me.

28. Favorite Locations? Austria, Switzerland, England...

29. Piercing/Tattoos? Piercings: 4 in each ear, belly button. Used to have nose ring and cartilage.

30. What are you most scared of right now? I'd rather not get into that right now.

31. Who do you really hate? Again, I try not to use the word hate. But I do strongly dislike Paris Hilton and Tom Cruise.

32. Do you have a job? I think my internship should count as a job. And I work at Bentley, still.

33. Have you ever liked someone you didn't have a chance with? Who hasn't?

34. Are you lonely right now? No, not really at this very moment.38. Song that's stuck in your head right now? Black Horse and the Cherry Tree by KT Tunstall

39. Have you ever played strip poker? I can't even play regular poker, so I don't imagine that would turn out good for me.

42. Have you ever been on radio/TV? No

43. Have you ever been in a "mosh-pit"? No, thank God. I'm not one for crowds.

44. Ever liked someone, but thought they'd never notice you? Yeppers!

Random...
What color is your underwear right now? White

Do you like him/her? who?

Whats the first things you notice about the opposite sex (visual)? It depends on the guy. Some guys it's the broad shoulders. Some it's their eyes. Others, it's their smile.

Are you too shy to ask someone out? Well, I like to build a friendship with a guy before dating them, so that adds a whole other level of complexity. But I am open to asking someone out under the right circumstances (i.e., if he says no, I'll never have to see him again and be embarassed)

Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn? Butter

Dogs or cats? Cats

favorite flower? I honestly don't know

Have you ever fired a gun? Just paintball

Do you like to travel by plane as opposed to car?No

How many pillows do you sleep with? One, but I have 3 on my bed right now.

How long did this survey take? Way too long!

Back in the game...

2007-03-10T19:46:00.000-04:00

Okay, I guess I have been avoiding the computer for the past few weeks. I think I was trying to avoid thinking about how I am feeling right now about the whole Diabetes thing. I am checking my blood sugar, taking my insulin and eating healthy, but I haven't really let myself FEEL about this. And I still don't think I'm ready to do so. Althought I will say that it sucks that I am at my lowest weight since probably elementary school, and I have been taking better care of myself than ever before - and then I find out that I have this disease. Grrrrr...

My mom came up to visit this past week for March break. We had a nice visit. I think we pretty much lived at the mall. All the other mall employeed probably think I am crazy, because I was there every single day this week, and didn't work a single one of them!

I have been trying not to stress a whole lot about things lately, mostly by avoiding thinking about any of it. However, every once and a while, the panic of not knowing what I am going to do beyond graduating this May casually creeps into my brain and manifests as what might be slight panic attacks. So, back to not thinking about it!

I think I need a nap.

The Diagnosis

2007-02-24T21:34:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a while, for good reason. The morning after my night of insomnia, I checked myself into outpatients at the hospital - where I was then abruptly admitted into the hospital for the night, I.V. and all. They poked, they prodded, they took many, many vials of blood.

I, Kristen Seeley, am a type 1 Diabetic. Now, and forever more, I must poke my fingers with a needle four times a day to check my blood suger. I must inject myself with insulin four times a day as well.

And on top of this, I still have the bloody cold that made me bring myself to the hospital to begin with.

Let's just say, it has not been a happy week.

Insomnia

2007-02-21T02:08:00.000-04:00

It is 2:14am. Maybe it's because I've been bed-ridden since Sunday, but tonight, I cannot fall asleep. Which is not good, because tomorrow I am going back to school. And working with a bunch of kindergarten students requires alertness, to say the least. Let's hope that I either fall asleep really soon, or that I have enough sleep stored up from the last two days to see me through...though I doubt that's really how it works ;)
Please, please, please, my dear body, let me go to sleep!!

Colors

2007-02-20T16:10:00.000-04:00

Red.
1. Closest red thing to you? My mouse pad
2. Last thing to make you angry? Traffic on the way to the drug store. Crazy Fredericton drivers!!
3. Do you have a temper? Yes, unfortunately. Must work on that...
4. Are you a fan of romance? Wouldn't know it if I saw it, but I have a feeling it's a good thing.

Orange.
1. Closest orange thing to you? My shirt
2. Do you like to burn things? Candles...Marshmallows. My dad's a firefighter, what more can I say?
3. Dress up for Halloween? Maybe next year...
4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person? I'd like to think so
5. Do you have anything against redheaded people? Why? Should I?
6. Are you usually full of energy? I wish

Yellow.
1. Closest yellow thing to you? My curtains
2. The happiest time[s] of your life? Probably sometime before the age of three
3. Favorite holiday? Christmas
4. Are you a coward? Less than I used to be. I'd prefer to call it passive agressiveness.
5. Do you burn or tan? Burn, baby, burn. My dad tans really dark. My mom does nothing but burn. When I was younger I tanned beautifully, but I have been working pretty much all summer every summer since high school, so I haven't had much time to find out how my skin fares.

Green.
1. Closest green thing to you? My sleeping bag
2. Do you care about the enviroment? Yes, but I don't think I'm doing a whole lot to help the cause:(
3. Are you jealous of anyone right now? Yes - all these people on facebook with beautiful babies; you know who you are!! Hehe. It's not a malicious jealousy, though. I'm really quite happy for you all:D
4. Are you a lucky person? Um, no.
5. Do you always want what you can't have? I'd be more likely to say that I can't have what I want. There is a difference.
6. Do you like being outdoors? Yes, but not in the winter time. I hate the cold.
7. Are you Irish? Not that I am aware of, but then I also didn't know that I'm part native until a couple of years ago, so who knows?

Blue.
1. Closest blue thing to you? The afghan my step-mother made for me
2. Are you good at calming people down? I seem to be
3. Do you like the sea? I don't dislike the sea, but what has it done for me lately?
4. What was the last thing that made you cry? The news last night. I'm really emotional right now, okay?
5. Are you a logical thinker? Yes
6. Can you sleep easily? Depends on what my day was like

Purple.
1. Last purple thing you saw? My Gilmore Girls season 3 DVDs
2. Like being treated to expensive things? Who wouldn't?
3. Do you like mysterious things? I don't think so.
4. Favorite type of chocolate? All
5. Ever met anyone in royalty? No, but I've been to Buckingham Palace, and my mom met Princess Diana.
6. Are you creative? Yes! It's my claim to fame.

Pink.
1. Closest pink thing to you? My heart shaped post-its. They mock me.
2. Do you like sweet things? Most definitely
3. Like play-fighting? Only with people I am very comfortable with
4. Are you sensitive? In a word, yes.
5. Do you like music? Like? no. LOVE? YES!!

White
1. Closest white thing to you? Kleenex
2. Would you say you're innocent? If only...
3. Are you good at keeping the peace? I think so. I try to see all sides. I am very uncomfortable around conflict (who isn't?)
4. How do you imagine your wedding? Happy, with a man I love and who loves me back unconditionally, surrounded by friends and family.
5. Do you like to play in the snow? yes
6. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist? Not afraid, just a little forgetful/slack

Black.
1. Closest black thing to you? My guitar tuner
2. Ever enjoy hurting people? No, because it inevitably leads to me feeling horrible. I try to put myself in others' shoes. That's not to say that I never hurt anyone, because I know I have, and I'm still feeling bad for that.
3. Are you sophisticated or silly? There is a time and place for everything. Being silly is definitely more fun:D
4. Would you like to go to space? I have a hard enough time keeping my balance here! Hehe
5. Do you have a lot of secrets? Probably no more than anyone else
6. What is your favorite color? Today, my favorite color is blue. Tomorrow, who knows?
7. Does the color you wear affect your mood? No, but my mood effects what I wear.

Like a ton of bricks...

2007-02-20T12:11:00.000-04:00

Saturday I went to the mall, then to the gym. When I got home, I felt like my head was 1000 lbs. I felt like absolute crap. Sunday, I worked from 12-5. Still felt like crap, but good enough to get through the shift, thank goodness. When I got home at 5:30, I crawled into bed, where I stayed until, um, today. The only think I could make myself get out of bed for yesterday was to go to the bathroom. I could not eat. I could not drink anything except water.

I lost 7lbs.

Normally that would make me happy. But this is soooooo not the way to go. Not worth it at all. I am now at my lowest weight since, maybe, grade 7 or 8.

I called in sick today too. I do feel much better, but I need to get some food in me and build up my strength before heading back to my kids. Plus, I don't want to make them sick with whatever I had. I'd like to refer to it as the 62 hour flu. That combined with the month and a half cold. Wow, I have a great immune system.

Anyway, off to the drug store to get some multi-vitamins, pain killers, and others of the like.

Physical woes

2007-02-17T19:18:00.000-04:00

Well, I have been sick for the past month and a half steady. My symptoms keep changing, but the outcome is the same: I am worn out!! Wait, is that the outcome, or the cause? Who knows?

I realize that I need to go see a doctor sometime in the very near future. I am waiting to receive my Medicare card in the mail and then I will make an appointment. I think there is something wrong with my body. I know I kind of sound like a hypochondriac, but here are the things that seem to be wrong with me: (Now understand as you read this that I would have thought that I would be in the best shape of my life at this point. I weigh roughly 75lbs less than I did 4 years ago. I have been going to the gym steadily for about the past month...)

Being sick for a month and a half straight (cold and flu-like symptoms)
I am ALWAYS thirsty
In the past few months, I have been having a difficult time with my legs. They don't hurt or anything, they are just really weak. Walking up stairs is particularly difficult, and when I kneel down, I have a hard time standing back up without something to support me. I have NEVER had this problem before in my life, even when I was a fatty.
(Sorry boys, this one's a female thing) I get really, really sick once a month. This started a few years ago, and every time that it happens, crying in pain, I say 'this time, I will go to the doctor, if only the pain will go away'. And then I don't. I know, my own stupid fault.

Any doctors out there who want to give a shot at this one??

All of this stuff gets me wondering about my stress level. I have been really busy lately, with teaching, and going to the gym, and working. I just went through a breakup with the man I was at one time sure that I would marry. I am usually quite suceptible to depression, but right now, I am just fine. I've been just 'going with the flow' and being content with life.

What I am starting to wonder is, how much of that is real? Am I holding stuff in, ignoring it all, pretending everything is fine? The contentedness I am feeling feels real, but I'm still afraid that I have just numbed myself to it all and that it will come back to attack me. I mean, my body certainly seems to be under some sort of stress...is it trying to tell me something, or is the cause just physical?

Well, here's hoping that I am being true to myself. I know firsthand the impact of trying to lie to myself about something like this.

You know, I've always said I don't like liars. The funny thing is, who lies better to someone than themselves?? I know that when it comes to myself, I've told some doozies.

Some songs say so much...

2007-02-15T15:58:00.000-04:00

"When you love a woman you tell her that she's really wanted'
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
Cuz she needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really - really really ever loved a woman?"
(Bryan Adams)

The male contestants of American Idol were singing this last night. You know, I love Bryan Adams, but I have never really paid much attention to this song. I guess I always thought it was sort of cheesy. But listening to the lyrics last night, it had meaning to me.

This is what I need. Hopefully, I will someday find it.

Snow Day!

2007-02-15T11:20:00.000-04:00

Well, I got my wish, even though it wasn't snowing this morning. School was cancelled! Whoot! It's a good thing, too, because the snow has started again, and it is fierce!

I think my computer is making some sort of high pitched noise. Either that or hair cells in my ears are slowly dying. Maybe both. Arg!

More later, after I actually accomplish something out of my day...

Valentines Day storm...

2007-02-14T17:27:00.000-04:00

...Oddly, not reflecting my mood.

The valentines from my little princes and princesses were enough to sustain me amid the loneliness of a single Valentines Day. Hehe.

Actually, my happiness might in part be due to the hope that school may be closed tomorrow. The snow started here around 1:00. By 3:45 when I headed home, the roads were horrible. We travelled 70 on the highway the whole way back to Fredericton. My only concern is that the storm may be all over before tomorrow morning. My theory is, there is no need for a storm unless it results in school being cancelled. Because quite frankly, I do not want to dig my car out early tomorrow morning to drive on slippery roads just because the storm is 'over'. Note to school board: just because it isn't windy and snowing, does not mean that the roads are safe to drive on!

Oh, please let us have a snow day!!!!! :D

My Lonely Valentine...

2007-02-13T22:38:00.000-04:00

Ellie: Um...Miss Seeley, Asa's my boyfriend!
Me: Oh, well that's nice! Does he know?
Ellie: Um...(eyes point to the heavens pensively) I don't think so.

So I spent tonight cutting out about a zillion construction paper hearts for crafts tomorrow with my little darlings. I also made a special valentine for each of them, which was fun.

I have to try to remember to bring my camera tomorrow; I need some pictures for my portfolio!

Not much more news than that. Been keeping busy with school stuff and the gym.

Maybe more talkative tomorrow. I am sure I will have lots of stories after the little ones celebrate their first social Valentines Day. Oh, the stories that are waiting to happen!!

Feeling strangely fine...

2007-02-11T21:02:00.000-04:00

Well, I went out today to buy deodeorant.

Then I decided to get a gas fill up, and a car wash, because my car has turned into a bird poop magnet this past week (bombed 7 times!)

The car wash broke the passenger side mirror off my car. Not completely off my car, of course, because it stayed hanging attached by the wires (I have electric mirrors). Sooooo...since it was of course the one time that I left my appartment without my cellphone, I had to figure out what to do all on my own. No auto shops were open, being Sunday and all. I went to Canadian Tire, where the guy I asked for help was as useless as a third nostril. I then found myself some super strength car glue called 'Amazing Goop'. Once I got back to my appartment, after driving around town with my mirror dangling, and receiving lots of interesting looks from my fellow drivers, I tried out the goop. It takes 24 hours to dry, and it wouldn't stay up long enough to dry, so I went to Walmart and got some duct tape. So my mirror is being held onto my car by duct tape. Or at least it was when I last left it...hoping it's still that way.

And still, somehow, after a horrible week at school, being dumped, and my car being damaged for the sake of car cleanliness (which didn't last long), I am feeling strangely fine.

I didn't realize how many times in a day something happens, or I think of something, and feel like I need to call him and tell him about it. It's really weird, because the past month and a half, I really haven't talked to him a whole lot at all (hence, or perhaps due to, relationship failing miserably). But now that he's out of my life, I seem to be thinking about him even more. Or maybe it's just more noticeable because I can't call him whenever I want. Sort of like when you are on a diet; are you thinking about food more because you cannot have it, or just realizing how much you usually think about food, because of its absence?

Other than those pangs which accompagny the realization that I can't talk to the man that I have loved and called my best friend for the past three and a half years, I remain optimistic. This time, not hopeful and optimistic that maybe we still have a chance. No, this time, I am aware that it is over, and cannot be. This time, I am optimistic of a future that holds new possibilities.

Maybe that's why I'm feeling strangely fine.

Can we be friends?

2007-02-10T10:19:00.000-04:00

Sorry is an interesting word.

I am sitting here, pondering its meaning, its effectiveness.

Sorry has great potential. Sometimes, all a person needs to hear to mend, is the word sorry.

I have never been one of those people, though on many occasions in my life, I have pretended to be.

"It's okay", would be my reply to a friend who hurt me and then apologize. I would pretend that it was okay, and I would try to just forget about it. It would inevitably all come back at some point. That's the funny thing about forgetting; things don't tend to dissappear completely from your mind. Especially without first being resolved, and things like that cannot be resolved without forgiveness.

What was I telling people by that reply? That it is okay to treat me in a way that, frankly, really isn't okay?

Too difficult, or perhaps a lie, to say "I forgive you", I didn't realize that my response to apologies was always "It's okay" until a friend of mine once pointed it out. He told me not to say it's okay. He wanted me to acknowledge that what he did was wrong, that he was aware that what he did was wrong, and to forgive him. (Sadly other circumstances led to the bitter end of our friendship, to which I am sorry. See, there is that word again!) I understand what he wanted of me, because I have been on that end, as well. Noone is perfect.

The interesting thing for me is that I have this inner battle when someone hurts me. Especially when they say they are sorry. I want to blame the other person, I really do. I want them to hurt. But at the same time, I care for them and I see them for the human they are. I make up excuses for them. I try to see where they are coming from, so that I can forgive them.

My question is, how do you draw a line between trying to see where they are coming from, and starting to blame yourself?

In the particular circumstance to which I find myself at the moment, I catch myself wondering "Is it my fault? Did I push too hard? Was I not good enough? Was I asking too much from him?"

Until in my heart, I hear a resolved voice saying 'no!' I was not asking too much. I was just asking for something that he couldn't give me. I was asking for something that I needed - to be loved, to be told I am loved. And for his inability to give me that, I cannot completely blame him either.

We just weren't right for each other.

I have a hard time understanding why...

We were best friends. We had fun, we laughed. We wanted a lot of the same things (maybe just at different times). We were comfortable around each other. We were attracted to each other. We loved each other.

Something just wasn't right. It ended, again.

And then came the apology. The request to preserve the friendship when all else has imploded.

Does Sorry have that kind of power? I don't know. I just don't know.

The breakup part two

2007-02-08T20:32:00.000-04:00

Break my heart once, shame on you.

Break my heart twice, shame on me.

I was lying to myself. But then again, so were you.

I thought maybe it could work this time...I should have known better.

You wouldn't really let me in.

That should have been my first sign.

Indecision is a poor excuse - and a man will never pull that on me again.

The next man who loves me will love me all the way or not at all.

I guess we just weren't meant to be...

but that doesn't make losing my best friend any easier.

I will always love you

even though right now I wish I didn't.

The great pantsing fiasco...

2007-02-07T18:44:00.000-04:00

Aloha!

School is wearing me thin this week. The kids are nuts (and are showing off their nuts!! No joke, I had a kid pants himself today...)

But I still luv 'em, bad seeds and all ;)

I joined a gym last week. I have gone every day this week. I have lost 10lbs since school started - 40 since last May. 20ish to go.

Lost is on tonight. Good to have something to look forward to besides sleep.

The weekend is a comin'! Whoot! :D

New, new, new:)

2007-02-06T19:36:00.000-04:00

Erased the past.

New look, new memories.

Making over, and over, and over again.

Smile like your dentures come out! (Like Kam's grandparents)